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Thanksgiving Dilemma

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Thanksgiving Dilemma

Post  Moliz on Wed Nov 10, 2010 6:55 am

Okay, Thanksgiving started out the way it always had. The massive four-day dinner would be held at Stone Oaks, home of the brilliant, beautiful and extremely entertaining Violina Sue Lucas . But, alas, it was not to be. There were saboteurs at work.

First comes word that cousin Gifford Gunders and his family would not attend because they heard that no animal intestines or stomachs would be served. They also objected to the lack of pickled cow tongue on the menu. As Giff put it so eloquently, “We ain’t goin nowhers whers thars no organs or mouth parts being served. It ain’t natrul.”
So, scratch off Giff, his wife Pearly and their fourteen children. That wasn’t hard to do since eight of his ‘kids’ are serving time in the state, shall we say ‘correctional’ facility. Or, as Pearly puts it, “They’s just doin some community service stuff.” I guess you could say that twenty five to life, ten to fifteen years and four to ten years is beneficial to the community.

Then, comes the phone call from Selma, Violina’s other cousin.
“We ain’t comin’ this year ‘cause’ we’s all under house arrest and our truck’s done been impounded. Jeremiah wuz jist growing some real purty plants un thuh basement and thuh cops pitched a hissy fit when our neighbor, thet blabber mouth Claudia told them thet she smelt marrywanna stink comin’ frum our house. They’s even got our house taped off. It’s a purty yeller tape. I kinda hope they let me keep it when they git through ‘cause I could shore use thet on Chrissmus presents. Them cops don’t know thuh difference ‘tween marrywanna and turnip greens. And I swar, they wuz jist growing turnip greens in thuh basement! Them cops tried to say thet turnip greens have big leaves, not little ones like marrywanna. I tired to tell them thet Jeremiah wuz growin’ whut’s called ‘pygmy turnip greens. Thet cop jist looked at me like I hed live crabs comin’ outta my nose.”
So, scratch Selma, her husband Gob, their seven sons, Jeremiah, Jebediah, Jedidiah, Jackson, Jupiter, Justify and Bone. It looks as if they’re going to be introduced to some of that ‘community service’. Sigh, all in the family has new meaning.

Things were settling down until Violina received a telegram from her nephew, Galveston. Now, Galveston was the one in the family whom everyone thought would really go places. And, he did go…. all the way to Turkey. It was there that he was arrested for trying to buy a ‘wife’ from a guy named Abdullah Beaureguard. Galveston said he didn’t see nothing wrong with getting a wife that way. He thought two hundred dollars was cheap. He said the women back home wanted more than that spent on them just while dating! He said he spent almost thet much buying a set of Nascar china dishes for Beulah Hempstead and that was before she agreed to date him.
He may have gotten away with it had it not been for the fact that the two hundred dollar woman starting screaming at the top of her lungs in the alley where the sale was taking place. Turkish policemen came from all directions. Galveston said he tried really hard to give Abdullah his money back but, by that time, the Turkish authorities had handcuffed him. Galveston doesn’t think that the fact that the woman was the grown daughter of the Turkish ambassador to the US had anything to do with his harsh treatment.
And, if Galveston doesn’t come, neither will his brother Texaco or his sister Petroleum…’Petro’ to the family. That bunch really sticks together. Besides, they have a high body content of body oil so sticking together isn’t hard.
Scratch those three.

Lastly, Violina gets a call from the questionable branch of the family. They’re called the ‘Skinheads’ of the family tree. Oh, it has nothing to do with white supremacy or anything like that. It’s just that none of them have any hair follicles or sweat glands. No hair-
nowhere. To compensate for having no sweat glands, they just all live out on the porch. A few years ago, two members of the ‘Skinheads’ underwent an experimental operation in which pig sweat glands were transplanted into their bodies. All went fine until the pig’s family sued and the court ordered them to return the sweat glands to the pig.

So, that’s quite a few who have dropped out of the traditional family dinner. As it stands now, all Violina will have are herself, her son Buxton and daughter Thermador. That’s a bit sad because Selma has prepared a meal that rises above the average Thanksgiving dinner. Her barbecued turkey feet are a gourmet delight. Her sautéed possum ears have no equal. Then, there’s her tribute to the veggie world. She can make fescue-ragweed slaw like no one else. For the sweet tooth, there’s her delectable hydrangea/mayonnaise pie. She did say that the hydrangeas didn’t bloom so well this year so she is substituting the blooms from rabbit tobacco. She hopes it holds up well with the mayonnaise.

Good luck, Violina.

Moliz © 2010





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Re: Thanksgiving Dilemma

Post  old Gray Mare on Wed Nov 10, 2010 4:22 pm

Mo, you made me choke on my cheese omelet! I think we might be cousins, I think I know some of those goodly folk.
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